Just Fun Clean Jokes

Here is a collection of the best jokes around the web( will be adding more)

You will find these sms and jokes very entertaining and funny. Also towards the end of the blog are few funny stories that too are humorous and enjoy them.

• Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? that's how dogs spend their lives.

• Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me! Doctor: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps on copying me!

• If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

• WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!.

• Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh!

• It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

• The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

• God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

• 10 ADVANTAGES OF NOT HAVING A “LOVER”…

1.SAVE TIME.
2. CAN SLEEP WELL.
3. DONT HAVE 2 BOTHER ABT MISSED CALLS…
4. DONT HAV TO WORRY ABT HOW U LOOK…
5. CAN EAT IN ANY RESTAURANT…
6. NO BORING SMS IN THE MIDDLE OF NIGHT…
7. CAN TALK WITH ALL BOYS…
8. U WONT HEAR “AAW… U R DULL TODAY”.
9. CAN GO ANYWHERE WITH ANY ONE…
10. DONT HAV 2 LISTEN SAME OLD CRAP JOKES…?
BONUS: - U WILL LIVE A LONG LIFE……. SO BE AWARE OF LOVER11. This is the true

• Did You Ever Thought About These

1. Can you cry under water?
2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
3. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
4. Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
5. Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
6. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
7. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
8. What did cured ham actually have?
9. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
10. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
11. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
12. If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
13. Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
14. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
15. How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
16. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
17. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
18. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

• How To Ask A Man To Do Something

Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging speech to two, three hours, max.

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes.

Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt."

• story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi,

who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation.

Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up.
Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

• 3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked.

"When you are in your casket and friends and family are talking about you, what would you like them to say?
The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!

• There was a blond, brunette, and a red head, and they all decided to go camping.

They needed food so the redhead walked out into the forest, and two hours later came back with a rabbit over her shoulder.

The other two girls asked her, "how did you catch that?"
She replied "See tracks, follow tracks, see rabbit, kill rabbit."
So they ate that for dinner.

The next day they needed food so the brunette walked out into the forest, and two hours later came back with a lion over her shoulder.
The other two girls asked her, "how did you catch that?"
She replied "see tracks, follow tracks, see lion, kill lion."
So they ate that for dinner.

The next day they needed food again so the blonde walked out into the forest, and two hours later came back limping all bruised, black & blue with torn clothes.

The other two girls asked her, "What happened to you?"
She replied "see tracks, follow tracks, see train, get hit by train."
OUCH!!!

• There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.

The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of twins!" He says, “Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins.”

The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of triplets”! He says, "That's cool! I work for 3M."

The third father opens the window and jumps out.
The third nurse comes out, and asks, “Where's the third father?"
One of the other fathers said, "Oh he jumped out the window.”
The nurse asks, "Why?"
He replied, "He works for Seven Up!"

• There once was 3 fish (the mom,dad,son) who needed a place to sleep.

The mom slept in the kitchen sink.

The dad slept in the the bathtub.

The son slept in the toilet.

The next morning the dad asked the mom how her night was.

"Okay, but it was a little too small, said the mom"

The mom asked the dad how his night was.

"Just fine. There was a lot of room to swim," said the dad.

The dad asked his son how his night was.

"Horrible!!", said the son. It was raining scat and logs all night long!